Who Dunnit?
by rileyluvr13
Summary: The Marauders and Lily are in trouble for something they didn't do. Professor McGonagall asks them to write an account of what they think happened, but it doesn't quite turn out as planned... One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything associated.

0o0o0o0

Who Dunnit?

"So… would anyone like to explain the situation to me?"

The Marauders and Lily Evans sat quietly in their seats in front of Professor McGonagall's desk. No one wanted to explain what had caused the old chandelier in the seventh floor corridor to suddenly collapse while they just happened to be there. Lily shuffled her feet, letting her deep red hair mask her emerald eyes from Professor McGonagall's fierce glare. She was in trouble, and she knew it.

"No one?" Professor McGonagall challenged, tapping her wand on the oak wood desk in front of her. James Potter elbowed Lily and pointed to the way the point of McGonagall's black witch's hat sagged. Lily could have slapped her boyfriend of three months right then and there for mocking a teacher.

"Well, then you leave me no choice," McGonagall said, rising out of her chair and gathering five pieces of parchment, quills, and ink bottles. "You all are to write me an account of the problem at hand and what happened. You will do it now, and you will vote on the most accurate one."

Sirius Black winked at James and whispered, "Some punishment… beats Slughorn's detention of cleaning out the toilets by hand."

McGonagall slapped the writing equipment on Lily's desk. The parchment sat there like an open book, waiting to be read. Lily usually loved writing, but not when she had no idea what to write about. What was she supposed to say? The screaming and shouting the whole school heard between her and James caused the light fixation to clatter and rumble down and break into a million pieces?

"You have five minutes to come up with a decent explanation. Begin."

And so Lily, James, Sirius, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew wrote.

0o0o0o0

"Time's up!" McGonagall screeched. Lily's hand was drenched in ink from scrambling to get every detail down before the time limit. She glanced around the room to find James and Remus with equally full explanations. Sirius's looked like a one- or two-liner while Peter's was scrawny in comparison.

"Miss Evans, read yours first."

Lily stood up, feeling very self-conscious. James gave a cat-call and Sirius a hoot. McGonagall hastily shushed them.

"_I was walking along the seventh floor corridor. It was just after classes. I saw the Marauders coming towards me, so I quickly ran to catch up with them._

_'Hey!' I had shouted._

_'Hello Lilyflower,' James had said, kissing me lightly on my cheek. 'Nice to see you today in this hallway.'_

_'I guess so. But you guys better keep your voices down; don't you remember the chandelier up top? It's rickety, Filch told us about it,' I had warned._

_'Oh, stop worrying, Lily,' Sirius laughed, causing the walls to rattle and the ground to shake. 'That stupid chandelier won't come down for nothing.'_

_'Watch it,' Remus reminded, urging us on. But nobody moved. 'Let's go down to lunch, we can talk there.'_

_'Okay, fine,' I had said, when I felt the pressure of a stone thrown at my head._

_'James!' I scolded, whipping around to see him looking innocent behind me. 'Stop throwing things!'_

_'Sorry, couldn't resist,' he said, grinning like a maniac._

_'I mean it! You want to put my eye out? You want to put a hole in my head the size of Jupiter?'_

_'Not particularly.'_

_'Then stop throwing things!'_

_We got around two strides down the hallway when I was hit again. 'Okay, stop it James! I won't put up with this!'_

_'C'mon, Lily, have some fun!'_

_'No! It's wrong to throw stones!' I said, glancing down to see two equally sized rocks sitting at my feet._

_'Well, maybe you should open your thick mind and live a little!'_

_'My head is thick? Well yours is – '_

_I never got to finish, since Sirius flashed out his wand and unleashed the violent hinges of the chandelier. It came crashing down, and me and James were narrowly able to escape it from crushing us to smithereens._

_'Sorry, just wanted to shut you up,' Sirius mumbled, strolling along down the hallway. That's when Professor McGonagall stormed out of her office and brought me here to write this account._"

As Lily finished, Sirius looked dumbstruck. "So you think _I _shot down that chandelier?"

"Yes. Yes, I think you did," Lily concluded, scuffling back down into her seat.

"How could you think _I _did? The way everyone talks about me around here, you'd think I am some mischievous boy who only thinks about girls and has the mental capacity of a three year old!"

"If you even think at all," Remus muttered.

"I don't think you have a thick head, Lily!" James said, leaning over to stroke her hair. "It's tiny and thin and beautiful and smart and all I would ever want in a girl."

Lily and Remus rolled their eyes simultaneously. Lily enchanted James like no other girl could and everyone knew it.

"Very nice, Miss Evans. Next?"

James stood up carefully. "I'll read, Professor." He clutched the parchment in his toned hands and began to read.

"_It was right after class. My palms were sweating and my black hair was messier than ever. But my day was immediately brightened when I saw Lily strolling down the hallway in her usual flowing, beautiful red hair and sparkling emerald eyes. My heart stopped; I'm in love._

_'Hello Lily, the love of my life, the butter on my bagel, the star in my night, the peanut butter on my jelly, the – '_

_'Shut up James,' Lily muttered. She obviously wasn't too charmed to see me today as I gave her a loving kiss._

_'What's wrong, my dear?'_

_'Nothing.'_

_'Tell me, oh sweet one.'_

_'I said there's nothing wrong, you prat.'_

_'Let's go to lunch!' Peter piped up, leading us all in the direction of the Great Hall._

_'I'm bored,' Sirius whispered, firing a piece of paper the size of a Rememberall at Lily's beautiful red head._

_'Stop throwing things at me, Potter!' Lily growled, whipping back around. Her robes spun adorably._

_Sirius launched another paper ball at Lily's head. 'I said stop, James! What's your problem?' Lily snapped_

_'I haven't got a problem, love!' I said._

_'Well you must, since your over inflated head is getting to you!'_

_'Lily, I'd never do such a thing!'_

_'Oh yeah? Well you're – '_

_As the chandelier came crashing down, the last thing I glimpsed was Sirius with his wand out of his pocket pointing upward. Peter pushed me to the side, and I pushed Lily, and we collapsed to the ground as the chandelier landed with a thud._

_The End._"

James sat back down in his seat, confident that his was the most accurate account of the situation. Lily stared at him in awe. The whole thing had been about her – as a nasty, little prat! Rage surged through Lily's body.

"That's two strikes for Mr. Black… and your story seemed more like a love fest, Mr. Potter," McGonagall concluded.

"Can't help it, Lily is just so… so… _captivating_." Lily stuck her tongue out at James.

Sirius whined like a puppy. "Why me? I didn't do anything! Everyone thinks I'm such a criminal."

"You are, Padfoot."

"Shut up, Moony, no one asked your option!"

"It's _opinion_."

"Next!" McGonagall screamed over the bickering.

"I – I'll go," Peter stammered. "I might not be the most literal out of everyone, but I sure hope I got the truth." He gripped his scribbled parchment with clammy hands.

"_I was really hungry. I remember that much. We were definitely walking down the hallway with the old Godric Gryffindor chandelier that's been in Hogwarts for centuries… wait, how long is a century? Oh, never mind, we were walking down the corridor and… and then came Lily. James greeted her, and she told us to be careful in this hallway. We were gonna go down to lunch when… when… oh, that's right._

_Lily got hit with a piece of chalk. It was a purple kind too, the one that is found in those special kinds of chalk packs that I absolutely love… wait, I didn't say I love purple! No, no way! But, um, Lily started yelling at James… something about how he was thick headed… and she kept saying how he should stop throwing stuff at her. And then… then… I remember Sirius's wand flashing out of his pocket and then the chandelier falling._

_Someone, yes, someone definitely cackled. It sort of sounded like Sirius's cousin? Can't be sure. But the signs definitely point to Sirius._"

Peter looked as if he would faint as he whimpered back down into his seat. Sirius was banging his head repeatedly on the desk.

"It's okay, Sirius, maybe Remus redeems you a little in his account," James soothed.

"Eh… that's not guaranteed," Remus shrugged, standing up with his parchment.

"_It was after Transfiguration today. We were walking down the corridor known as Godric Gryffindor's hallway. It was just the Marauders until we spotted Lily down the hallway. James called her over and Lily gave him a quick kiss._

_'So, whaddaya guys say to lunch?' she asked._

_'Sounds good,' James said, so we continued down the corridor._

_I wasn't really paying attention, but I heard Lily screech, 'James!' and hold up a bronze knut. 'Why are you throwing things at me?'_

_'It wasn't me, I swear!' James pleaded. We continued on since it seemed to stop, but another knut was shot at Lily's head. This one definitely came from above Lily, which I know._

_'James, stop!'_

_'It wasn't me!'_

_'Yes it was!'_

_'Guys, guys, stop, you'll send the chandelier down,' I said, holding my hands up to stop them from continuing to grind each other to a pulp. They continued arguing._

_'Wouldn't it be nice if they just shut up?' Sirius whispered to me. One second I turned around, and then looked back and Sirius had his wand in the air, and the chandelier was crashing down. Peter knocked them out of the way and all was good again._"

Remus sat down, smiling pitifully at Sirius. "Sorry, Padfoot, but it's the truth."

"The truth? Why must we all tell the truth?" Sirius complained, standing up.

"That's four strikes against Mr. Black… how do you prepare to defend yourself?" McGonagall asked.

"Simple. Here it comes," Sirius said.

"_I was walking down the hallway with those sidekicks of mine… what do we call them… oh right! Prongs, Moony, and… umm… Wormtail. Their true names have escaped me at the moment. Right, but I was walking down, having freshly conditioned my fluffy black hair and loosened my tie – the ladies love it._

_Anyway, Prongs and Lilykins were arguing… and then the chandelier came down… but all I remember is how the dust caused my white shirt to get all dirty._

_Fin._"

Sirius sat down, satisfied with himself. Lily said, "I don't think that hardly is an account. It sounds more like an ode to Sirius Black."

"Did you like it though?"

"No."

Professor McGonagall collected all the parchment and read each one over again. After many minutes of pure silence, she reached her verdict.

"All of these are pure rubbish."

Everyone gasped at her, awestruck. "Lily's was too one-sided, James's was only _about_ Lily, Peter's was just obscure, Remus's was too vague, and Sirius's was conceited!" McGonagall finished with a final breath.

"Mine wasn't conceited, it was the truth," pouted Sirius in a dejected voice.

"Is there no one that can tell me the truth?" McGonagall said angrily, her nostrils flaring like a dragon.

"I can." Severus Snape burst through the door, covered in shards of glass and dirt. "I saw the whole thing."

"Snivellus is going to tell the truth?" James sneered.

"Well, it's better than any of you trying to!" McGonagall snapped, shutting everyone in the room up except Snape

"Thank you. Well, as I was saying…"

0o0o0o0

The Marauders spotted Lily down the hallway. "Oi, Lily!" James called, trying to get her over.

Lily rushed up, out of breath and excited to see them again. "Hey," she said, planting a sweet kiss on his cheek.

"Aww, isn't that sweet?" Sirius cooed, while Remus whacked him on the side.

"So, anyone up for lunch?" Peter squeaked.

"I sure am," Remus finished, and they continued down the hallway.

Everything seemed fine, until a heavy screw bolted down from the ceiling. It hit Lily square in the head. Everyone failed to notice the sender.

"James, what'd you do that for?"

"I didn't do anything, Lilyflower."

They continued down the hallway for a few more steps when another screw hit Lily in the back of the head. "James, stop throwing things at me!"

"It wasn't me, Lily! It was Sirius!"

"Me? I didn't do anything!" Sirius defended, pulling out his wand to protect himself.

"Just stop guys, nobody threw anything at each other," Remus tried to ease the arguing.

"Maybe if James just admitted he hurt me, then everything would be okay!"

"I didn't throw anything at you, Lily! I would never!"

"Yes, you would, you thick-headed – "

The chandelier came crashing down, almost driving James and Lily into the ground if it hadn't have been for Peter pushing them out of the way. Professor McGonagall stormed out of her office, dragging each student back in for an explanation.

What they all failed to notice was Peeves cackling at the ultimate chaos he had just caused.

0o0o0o0

"So… it was Peeves?" Lily asked, astonished, after Snape was done.

"Yeah, he dropped the screws of the chandelier on you, and then gave it a final push so it fell," Snape concluded, nodding his head.

Professor McGonagall sighed, standing up out of her chair once more. "Fine, you all are not in trouble. Now I've got to go punish Peeves," she grunted, stepping towards the door and letting Snape out.

The Marauders and Lily cheered, relived they weren't going to go down in history as the ones who could make a chandelier collapse with just a screaming match. James was smiling ear to ear, and Sirius was singing, "I'm free! The strikes are cleared! I'm _innocent_!" Peter even grinned a little too.

"But, just one word of advice," McGonagall said, turning around and nodding at all of them with a serious face. "Don't _ever _agree to be credible witnesses!"

0o0o0o0

**A/N:** Woo, it took me about three hours to write this! I hope you enjoyed it! Read and review please!


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